Anaconda: Offspring Review by Bobby LePire. Edited by Courtney McAllister.

 

Last week on 'Creature Feature Month' we looked at “Anaconda” 's first sequel, “Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid”. After this, we’ll have one more film and the Rifftrax Live experience. So, without further ado, let’s look at the turd… I mean, third film in this giant snake franchise, “Anaconda 3: Offspring”.

 

The movie kicks off in medias res, following a group of animal trackers through the jungle. They are being followed by the worst CGI snake of all celluloid history! It looks rubbery and awkward, and moves worse than it appears, and all the CGI in the movie is just as lame. The snake then attacks the group and the ensuing poorly edited gunfight- all flash muzzle edits and quick cuts- makes identifying who the snake did and did not kill quite difficult. At the end of it all, lead tracker Hammet (David Hasselhoff) makes a quip to one of the other surviving members. A quip! A one liner! A bon mot! Not a, “hey, you alright” or an “are you okay, kid”, but at the end of three-quarters of his team becoming snake poop, he decides to amuse himself by being an asshole. Seriously, movie, we are only two minutes in, and you are already shitty. This won’t be much fun, will it?

 

There is so little fun here. In fact, it’s dreadfully dull, with only a very small handful of not terrible things at play. It is however, a direct sequel to the second film, featuring the same pharmaceutical company still working on a drug to slow, with hopes of stopping, aging. Murdoch (Jonathan Rhys-Davies) is the CEO and public face of Wexel Hall. In the midst of a big scandal, he pays a visit to the company’s main research facility, in hope to get some good news about the development of the serum. During his stay, the site’s two genetically altered anacondas, one a pregnant queen, escape. The company hires the group of trackers from the beginning (well, the surviving ones) to hunt down the snakes. The trackers are paired off with Pinkus (Ryan McCluskey), company liaison, and the snake expert Amanda Hayes (Crystal Allen).

 

The story here isn’t too bad. Hell, screenwriter David C. Olson scripted the far more entertaining final film in the franchise. That’s not to say the plot is flawless, but in broad strokes, it’s not much dumber than most creature features. Some of the dialogue is dumb, and Amanda’s big defiant line is the exact same as a 6 year-old playing a practical joke on someone; she yells “Not!” and knees the human baddie in the knee. Even with these faults in mind, this same script with a different director could have been seriously idiotic, but still fun.

 

Unfortunately, director Don E. Fauntleroy (a lord of the estate name if there ever was one) fails to wring any fun or inject any style into the proceedings. It’s not for a lack of trying, though, it’s just that all his ideas are idiotic. We get nine sequences (not just shots) using what I’ve dubbed ‘snake-o-vision’! Not just a quick POV shot from the snake’s vantage point so we get clued in to what it has in its field of vision- this kind of thing was successfully used in the previous two films- but full on, proper colorization, movements, and the like from the snake’s point of view. Eight sequences involving these dumb looking shots, and the first time is so confusing! We are watching three characters talk in a lab, and we go from a medium shot, encompassing the characters to an oddly colored- red, green, brown hues (from top to bottom)- that seems to be glossy. As it turns out, this three second, barely comprehensible shot is our first glimpse of snake-o-vision! It makes no sense here, and even when it’s more logically used, it’s still terrible.

 

Then there’s all the continuity issues, which show just how little attention was paid during the production:

 

• The vent in the first lab, where the initial snake escapes, is intact! We are explicitly shown the snake escaping through!

• The snakes hole up in a barn. When the farmer hears something amiss, he leaves his door wide open (not just slightly ajar so the wind could theoretically close it). Next shot of the house, the door is closed tight.

• A fight between the humans and snakes breaks out at the farm. One jeep explodes, another gets riddled with bullets. When we see the back of the jeep again, it’s in perfect shape.

• The placement of a steam valve, in the old abandoned factory the climax takes place in (I was unaware a snake movie could pull out this old cliche) changes a few times. Happily, one of the trademarks of the franchise- snakes on fire- occurs here!

 

There are more, but it would take all of my word count to discuss them, and there isn’t even a word count!

 

The worst thing about the inept directing is that the acting isn’t too shabby here. Crystal Allen, while too whiny at times, sounds believable as an animal expert. She’s solid in the action bits, and does her best with the terribly dumb “No” she was forced to say during the climax. McCluskey is foppish and amusing as a put upon putz, relaying just the right amount of doofus to be genuinely funny. Rhys-Davies always adds an air of sophistication to whatever role he’s in, and this debacle is no exception.

 

The trackers are all interchangeable. But! One of them does sport a terrible accent. Sasha Oros, as spiky haired Sofia, does a sort Russian/ Eurasia thing, and it’s not convincing. Glad to see the other hallmark of the series intact. All the trackers are generic, except for Hasselhof, who handily steals the show. While no one would consider him the greatest actor of all, there is a reason Hasselhof became famous. He has a certain charisma, and handily savors the inane dialogue, chewing it up and spitting it back out with a smirk. Near the end, there’s a negotiation scene that is very well acted.

 

There are some good parts, and the story could have worked with these same actors, but it never gels properly. Poorly directed and shot, with shoddy special effects, and an ineffective attempt at style all combine for a painfully slow bore of a movie. So, to wit, I seriously hate this film, and it’s only being reviewed because I am doing the whole series. Stay away, far, far away!