Bermuda Tentacles Review by Bobby LePire. Edited by Courtney McAllister.

 

I’m a bit surprised that it took The Asylum this long to throw their hat into the ring of the ‘president in peril’ (ie- “White House Down”, “Air Force One”) action subgenre. While derivative of the basic premise inherent to the genre itself- timed mission, group of highly trained soldiers, hardass commander- it’s enhanced by a classic Asylum twist. If you read the title, you can easily guess the twist- tentacled alien creatures are behind all of the mysterious crashings and vanishings in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s as much dumb fun as it sounds.

 

Air Force One is flying above the Bermuda Triangle, during a seriously severe storm. One of the plane’s engines gets struck by lightning, and the president escapes via nonexistent in real life escape pod! Considering the rest of his cabinet and crew aren’t seen ever again, I am forced to conclude that they died.

 

The escape pod emits a beacon to its location. The USS Nemesis is the only ship with the proper crew to locate him. As they are gathering the needed materials, they are attacked by giant tentacles. Now, our group of rescuers is forced to take an untested experimental sub out for the job, while the remaining crew try to find a way to fend off the attacks.

 

This movie never slows down. I think the longest break from the action was maybe three or four minutes. It’s a relentless, exhilarating ride, which is great, because it’ll keep you distracted from how dumb some of the going ons are. So, let’s get the stupid out of the way first:

• The CGI rain used in extreme closeups of the exterior of Air Force One looks very bad. Like early Asylum bad.

• There are some obvious uses of stock footage- mainly for the launching of planes off an aircraft carrier- that don’t blend well with the footage shot by director Nick Lyon and his crew.

• Later on, when getting the president out of the tentacle that ate (for lack of a better word) his pod, it was quite obvious that there was only money to build a small portion of the rather expansive set (we see one wide shot when the sailors first dock) at a time, so editing around it, and getting a sense of geography, is a futile task.

• A tentacle, attacking the Nemesis, homes in on Dr. Zimmer (played by Jamie Kennedy) and follows him a good way through the interior of the ship. This homing ability is never set up or used again. It’s just a cheap plot trick.

• Chief Trip Olivier (Trevor Donovan) tells his men to “stay frosty”. I get what it means- “keep your cool”- but what an odd way of phrasing it. It sounded off to me.

• Admiral Hansen (Linda Hamilton, fuck yeah!) magically knows when the rescue team is on foot, as oppose to in the sub.

• Mya plays Lt. Plumber, one of the creators of the experimental sub. She constantly looks like she’s on the verge of breaking into tears.

• There’s a moment where a sailor throws a grenade at a floating alien orb. The orb wasn’t in their vicinity, nor was it firing wildly in all directions, so all throwing the grenade did was alert it to your, and your teammates, location. Dumbass!

 

While that’s a greater amount of stupid than “Android Cop”, “Sharknado 2: The Second One”, “Mega Shark Vs. Mecha Shark”, and “Sleeping Beauty” combined, it does not detract from the overall film too much; well, except for the Mya always crying thing, as my wife found it to be super distracting.

 

Linda Hamilton rocks her role. And it is a full blown role, not just a glorified cameo (something The Asylum have always been good at getting faded but still credible stars to have major roles in their films). She’s tough, firm, but allows a sympathetic edge, so the character isn’t one note. Jamie Kennedy is quite subdued, and gives a decent performance. By dialing back a lot of his usual manic tics, he’s much less annoying then he has been in other films. However, some of his line readings, especially in regards to the science gibberish he must extoll, don’t sound believable. Mya is so earnest, and has a natural, appealing charisma that even despite how teary eyed she consistently looks, she’s entertaining enough. As our main protagonist Chief Oliver, Trevor Donovan is sort of a richer man’s Chris Pine, and that’s not a joke. His character and the new Captain Kirk have a lot in common, and one is played flatly, with no joy. The other is clearly having fun, and is in awe of the spectacular things he witnesses. He has a real air of authority about him, and it’s easy to see why his men would break direct orders to follow him.

 

The action here never fails to thrill. As stated earlier, there’s nary a five minute cooldown until the next setpiece. The opening attack on the naval fleet is neat because each ship is fighting at least two tentacles, and while we don’t spend even a single minute aboard any of them, it does hint at a larger world and provides scope. After a short regroup, the tentacles attack for a second time, and the soldiers communicate with each other, other boats, and the jet fighters in the sky to make sure everyone is on the same page and knows what to hit when. It’s a surprisingly smart thing for any action film, much less a low budget one. These sorts of touches have permeated a good number of Asylum films before this, and I think it’s one reason behind their appeal and following.

 

There’s an astonishing moment where, to signify another attack, one tentacle grabs a jet fighter and throws it like a baseball into the Nemesis. Man, oh man, I love The Asylum! Where else will I see something that cool and fun! And it’s not even the most badass moment. The climax is all sorts of awesome! The ‘mothership’ of the tentacles is blasting everything in its sight. It takes two minutes to recharge before another attack, during one such lull, Chief Oliver rides a helicopter in, through what amounts to a ventilation shaft. The editing, tension, and music throughout all of this is incredibly taut and tense.

 

This is a seriously effects heavy movie, so thank god for Joseph Lawson! Lawson’s work is very detail oriented, which leads to stellar output. He and his team have made some of the best work of their careers here. The tentacles have a liquid metal by way of too much Power Thirst vibe going on, and it’s cool to see. The interactions between the tentacles and the boats, planes, subs, is very impressive, and each element meshes well.

 

I have discussed Chris Ridenhour’s scores before, but this is my favorite of his to date. It’s pounding, intense, thrilling, exciting, and captures each badass moment perfectly. The score for when the experimental sub discovers the mothership is sublime, and enhances the awe of the visuals.

 

While yes, most of the stupidity comes from Geoff Meed’s script, that’s not to say it’s not without merit. This dialogue exchange is my personal favorite:

 

Admiral Hansen, “Do they seem hostile?” (referencing the first appearance of the tentacles).

“I don’t know; they’re worms,” replies Dr. Zimmer.

 

Makes me smile. Plus, any script that makes, “I’m giving it all she’s got, sir” more than just quick ‘Star Trek’ reference cannot be all bad.

 

Making a nonstop, no room for breathing action extravaganza can be tricky, as the audience may get bored or numb. Happily, despite some plotholes and flaws, “Bermuda Tentacles” only gets more exciting by the minute, and is sure to satisfy any action sci-fi fans looking for a fun 90 minutes.