Terribly Fun Films
Bigfoot Wars Review by Bobby LePire. Edited by Courtney McAllister.
The title is “Bigfoot Wars”. “Bigfoot Wars”! And, it stars C. Thomas Howell and Judd Nelson. And another thing- it’s from the same director that did the surprisingly subtle, atmospheric, and fairly creepy remake of “Boggy Creek” (also about Bigfoot). So, you can imagine how excited I was upon first hearing about this project. But then setbacks! There were some major, major (MAJOR!) post-production issues, so much so that Howell himself warned his fans to stay away from the film, as it was no longer what he was told it would be at the outset. And he wasn’t alone. A few other actors and crew made their irritation known. Nonetheless, after waiting what felt like forever, the film was released DTV. Was it worth the wait? Or did the post-production issues screw this like a Thai whore?
The opening prologue is of the mayor sleeping with Dakota, a 20’s something woman, in a fleabag motel. They yammer inconsequentially, and as she’s putting her clothes back on, he goes to the bathroom. Suddenly, a massive, furry arm with clawed paws comes bursting through the bathroom window, and tears into the mayor’s face. The lady screams, attempts to flee, but is caught just outside her door.
So many questions here, barely three minutes in. How did the bigfeet (bigfoots? Bigfootses? What’s the plural of nemesis?) not get seen by anyone else at the sleaze joint? Maybe there weren’t any other guests? Possibly, yeah sure, hypothetical guy answering rhetorical questions! Even if there weren’t any other guests, there would have to have been at least one employee on staff there. She’s screaming her head off, so even if said employee didn’t hear the breaking of the window and the grunting/ howling of the beasts, he/ she could not have missed the young lady screaming.
News anchor, Kendall Sharp, played by Mindy Raymond, is doing a segment on the recent animal killings. With that, we are then treated to “news interviews” with locals- some of them blaming rabid bears, others saying it’s bigfoot and that the government is hiding their existence, and each feature some of the worst acting I have been exposed to all year. It’s straight up drunken/ strung out amateur hour here. Raymond fares better as the newswoman, but the character is so remarkably idiotic that I am impressed Raymond retained any motor functions after reading the script. Her character thinks it’s a wise idea to venture into the woods, with just her cameraman, after some more odd animal maulings. WTF? Even if it wasn’t a mythical creature, clearly there’s something dangerous out there, so why would anyone do that? While Raymond can’t overcome the stupidity of the script, she at least sounds believable and has solid chemistry with Holt Boggs, who plays Sheriff Jim.
Those odd maulings that spurred her into action involve some stupid young kids, venturing off into a quarantined area of the woods. There was supposed to be a cop on duty, and the movie even brings it up, but that deputy is never seen, heard from, or even so much as mentioned again. Our time with the kids is full of plot holes and pointless characterizations- considering all of them die- but at least, one amazing thing comes from this. The jock-type, rich, spoiled guy is trying to be smooth with his girlfriend, and calls his nether regions ‘the barracuda’. She asks, “Did you just refer to your penis as ‘the barracuda’?” and everyone immediately mocks him mercilessly for it. So hey, I am glad to see the movie understands that teens will always say dumb things, and even their friends won’t let them live it down.
We don’t see the actual bigfoot attack that kills them, but we do see the bigfoots in their full bodied costumes and mask. They look pretty good, considering the budget and such. The creatures look like traditional bigfeet, but have a unique enough look to not feel all that derivative. The face area has no fur on it, but makes for a mean looking scowl. Although the mouths don’t open and close too well, the hulking frame of the actors in the suits strikes an imposing, and fearful silhouette. They are fairly nimble and quick in the suit, which is an impressive feat, as these kinds of things can be quite heavy.
Our main story involves two sections- Sheriff Jim’s daughter is kidnapped by the bigfootses as breeding stock, so he gathers a posse- a deputy, C. Thomas Howell’s crazed loner survivalist, Zeke, and Kendall. This is the far more interesting part, even though it takes too long to actually get going (about 40 minutes). Their tracking of, and skirmishes with, the creatures are fun, even when the action is too dark to see, as it is in a few caves, or too quickly edited- I presume to hide the budget constraints.
The second part is about Dakota, after having escaped her captivity in the woods, in the hospital being treated. Judd Nelson is Dr. Leonard Evans, and I haven’t seen him be this good in awhile. With a surprisingly gruff voice, but also exuding a tenderness to help everyone he can, it’s a sympathetic role that gets nothing to do. This half of the film could have been the more humane section- with the action half providing the thrills and this half the heart. Unfortunately, it just bogs the pacing down, and despite some solid performances, amounts to very little. A late-in-the-game twist is meant to be a huge dramatic reveal, but it doesn’t change the bigfeet motives, nor does it change any character dynamics. Which perfectly sums up this side of the movie- adds nothing and detracts from the pacing.
C. Thomas Howell is jacked up here, and while I don’t know if he got so for this role or other reasons, it’s impressive. He also has tattoos everywhere, smokes as if he can destroy lung cancer, and is a badass in every sense. While this isn’t the first action lead for Howell, it’s the first time I’d say he was a full blown action hero. And despite his warnings to stay away from this, if you are a huge fan of his, at least watch it once for his performance. He’s clearly relishing the chance to play an anti-hero type, and he brings a gravitas and intensity that leaves rest of the film fumbling in his wake.
Our main hero is Sheriff Jim, played by Holt Boggs. He handles himself well in the action scenes, and does look like he could give a bigfoot a run for its money. His romantic entanglement with the newslady works, mostly thanks to their good chemistry. However, there is a tragic backstory to the character that fails on every level. Boggs never conveys the sadness properly by failing to ever act sad. The reason it was added fails as well, because all the audience needs to know to be on the sheriff’s side is that the creatures stole his daughter, and he wants to get her back. I appreciate the effort involved in creating a three dimensional character, but it fails to contribute to our hero’s arc and never becomes a plot point.
But hey! It’s titled “Bigfoot Wars”, so how is the action? A very mixed bag. Jaynes cuts quickly, which makes some action beats hard to follow. This is especially true during the rescue attempt in a network of caves. After a struggle and some sneaking around, the protagonists discover a hole in the cave roof. Two of them escape through, but then something happens- a rock slide, I think- and Howell and Boggs get trapped underneath. It’s so poorly shot and edited that I can’t even describe what I saw, as I can’t comprehend the order of shots. And then, despite having some cool costumes, most of the bigfoot action is implied or cut away from- still not as much as Gareth Edwards does in his awful “Godzilla” flick, and on 1/28 of the budget. So it’s far more forgivable here.
The action finale, with an army of bigfootses, is pretty cool because we see them coming out swinging- literally. They surround Boggs and Howell and charge, flailing about. It’s epic, it’s awesome, it’s the war of the title, and it’s over in a flash! It’s maybe two minutes long, cuts to black, and the movie’s over! It’s finally delivering on the promise of its premise, and there’s no payoff!
Luckily, the movie is Ed Woods-ian levels of inept and incompetent at all times. A back and forth dialogue of two people talking- sitting down in an office- was filmed handheld, which causes the camera to always be moving and shaking, it’s distracting and hilarious! Later in the film, Howell cups his hands together and gives a bigfoot call! A bigfoot call! There are no words for how absurdly dumb it is, and it’s not effective! He has to get down from the tree and continue tracking the old ways! WTF? Sheriff Jim has a vision of exactly where his daughter is being kept, which is how he finds her. Um, how? None of our characters have magical powers, so I don’t get it.
The Ed Woods vibe runs through every part of the movie. The editing, besides being too quick, is also sloppy at times. The cinematography is just as bad- the shaking camera isn’t just during the talking scene. When characters are in a car, or hunting in the woods, the camera is never still, as if a tripod or a dolly are fictional items that Leprechauns give you at the end of the rainbow. The music drowns out the dialogue a couple of times. The movie also looks cheap- as in just looking at the film it’s clear that it was shot on a low grade camera, and nothing about the production was able to rise above good looking consumer camcorder.