Fantastic Four (2015) Review by Bobby LePire. Edited by Courtney McAllister.

 

Alright dear readers of mine, you have asked for this; literally asked me for this, as I was iffy about railing against something that so many others have thoroughly doused in venom, piss, and vinegar; probably much better than I could. Please bear in mind that I am going to spoil every aspect of the plot, so major spoiler warning; and there will be cursing. Oh, oh so much cursing. Like all of the cursing. But, in short, the 2015 released, Josh Trank directed “Fantastic Four” movie fails in all conceivable ways, on all possible fronts. Let the cockstorm begin!

 

For convenience sake, here is a breakdown of the major characters and the actors-
Reed Richards - Miles Teller

Sue Storm - Kate Mara

Johnny Storm - Michael B. Jordan

Ben Grimm/ The Thing - Jamie Bell

Victor Von Doom - Toby Kebbell

Dr. Franklin Storm - Reg E. Cathy

Dr. Allen - Tim Blake Nelson

 

The movie kicks off in 2007, with Reed Richards is in fifth grade. He is called up to the front of the class, to give his report on what job he wants when he grows up. He starts going off about how he wants to be a scientist, who invents an interdimensional portal, and travels between dimensions to do research. The teacher (of fifth grade, mind you) stops Reed there, and basically tells him that his presentation is wrong, because that “is not a real world job”.

 

What testicle sandwich did this ass bagger eat? In a world where the Baxter Institute is given loads of money by the government to help cultivate the brightest young minds out there- the Baxter Institute being where 70% of this movie is set- how is being a scientist that specializes in a specific field, as all scientists do, not a real, attainable job? Or does the pube yanker of a teacher not understand that a physicist isn’t an astronomer, who isn’t a chemist, who isn’t an engineer? That actually wouldn’t surprise me.  Or is it that the teacher objects to Reed’s specific desire of creating interdimensional travel? Because if so, suck a dick, dumb shit! Don’t be crushing a little kid’s dream solely because you have become a husk of a shell of a human, and only your poop jockeying lets you feel anything at all; even if just for a fleeting moment. Fuck you, teacher man! Guys, we aren’t even five minutes into the movie yet. Strap in, this is going to hurt.

 

After being so rudely interrupted, Reed sits back down, and Ben Grimm walks up. Cut to later that same night. At the ‘Grimm Salvage Yard’, Ben has just finished moving some scraps around. As he goes in to do his homework, Ben’s trash eating, asshole brother (I don’t have a name, and simply don’t give enough fucks to find out that or who the actor is) demands that Ben move a large pile of discarded refrigerators. Ben tells him that he has homework, so stop being a dick. Ben’s brother takes great offense at the idea that a kid in school would have to stop working (of note, the brother was standing around doing jack and shit) and do homework. He hits Ben and yells at him. Ms. Grimm (Mrs?) sees the older boy doing so and stops him, by smacking his head a few times. The guard dogs start to bark up a storm, so Ben investigates. He finds the dogs stalking a junked car. He gets the dogs to cool off, and tells that who is ever there to come out. It’s Reed! Looking to steal (steal!) a power converter so he can get enough juice for his project (early prototype of the dimensional traveller). Ben agrees to help, if he gets to see it. Thus, a lifelong bond is formed, all because one small child was going to steal from the other’s livelihood. Yeah, that last sentence is not a joke.

 

In Reed’s garage, we are shown his elaborate contraption- with lots of spare parts, and circuitry and N64s reworked. Wait, what? Yes, N64s- a ten year old system that couldn’t even handle a PS2 game without getting overworked, much less the latest gen stuff, in this the year 2007 (PS3 is not even a year old). Why N64s? It’s almost as if the set designers weren’t trying, and everyone else who could have/ should have noticed didn’t give a shit either!

 

Reed plugs in his newly acquired device, places a small toy car on a platform, and tells Ben to hit certain buttons on cue. Ben does as he’s told, and an orb of energy engulfs the car, before causing a block-wide blackout. Reed’s dad notices the shenanigans, and instantly yells, “Reed, what did you do now?” What in Hitler’s personal nipple nugget’s sake is with this movie’s universe being populated by the worst people imaginable? The cum clot/ fifth grade teacher, the scum hole that is Ben’s brother, and Reed’s dad all just get on their case with little to no provocation. If the young actors portraying our leads were able to emote, act, or say any line with more enthusiasm than dutifully eating unsweetened porridge for breakfast, I’d be inclined to feel bad for them. But they show all the expressiveness of a ho hole after a hard Saturday night, so I find them boring as all fuck, and thus, don’t care in any way, shape, or form.

 

Then we cut to 2014 (so seven years later), as Reed and Ben enter their much more portable, sleeker dimension hopper into their high school’s science fair; yes, this does mean we skip over their entire bonding and friendship making after that first night. The three judges walk up, and you just fucking know it- the schlong faced teacher from fifth grade is the head judge, and makes snide comments to Reed and Ben. How the fuck in the name of all that is dark and Cthulhu'd is this even slightly, remotely possible/ plausible? Let’s for a moment forget that this eyeless dipstick plonker is a destroyer of children’s dreams, and generally a fucking fuck fucker! This teacher doesn’t even teach at a middle school level, much less high school! Please note, I am not knocking any real teachers of any grade- your hard and undervalued work is important! But, I am baffled as to how someone that doesn’t teach at this school, not even at an attached middle school, but in a separate building, that might not even be on the same block can be the head judge at a science fair. Furthermore, how can said elementary school teacher be the judge because unlike in junior high and high school, elementary school teachers aren’t specialized in X, but teach a broad knowledge of things, so the specializations make sense later on. What demon blighted, spazz footed boob doesn’t understand how motherfucking schools work?! UGH!

 

Anyways, Ben forgot the toy car, so Reed borrows a model plane from another kid’s project. They turn it on, and it doesn’t blow up! It works, the model plane is gone, and the same dirt as always is there. Then they return it, and it is in good condition, just slightly dirtier (the red dirt got on it). Bringing it back caused a loud boom (not really an explosion), that destroyed the backboard of a basketball hoop. The sentient queef glob then disqualifies them on the basis that is a “science fair, not a magic show”. Holy spunk balls, Batman! What the flying douchewaffle is this guy going on about? The experiment motherfucking worked! It worked! How are they disqualified for a project that works? It goddamn works! The senile poop fondler is so fucking dumb he can’t even recognize actual genius when it is literally in his face!

 

I know it might seem odd, maybe even slightly petty, for me to focus so much on the pigfaced chesticle headed teacher, as it is a minor role. But, the total uselessness of this character, the awful acting from whatever sad schlub they suckered into it (I have it on good authority that it is Homer Simpson), and the obvious moronic everything (not to mention the very clear, seething hatred for Reed is 100% nonsensical) about this character, is the primo example of exactly how lazy, stupid, shortsighted, illogical, and asinine the whole production was. And here’s why-

 

Reed and Ben being disqualified doesn’t even amount to twenty seconds of a plot point, nor does it cause any tension! Immediately, and I mean right the fuck away, Dr. Franklin Storm, and his daughter Sue- both of whom just happened to be there because writing be hard, you guys!- stroll up to Reed and fawn over the fact that they brought the object back. Something that they, and the students at the Baxter Institute, which Dr. Storm runs, have been unable to do. Reed is offered a full ride to the school, and accepts without hesitation. Ben Grimm is offered no such deal. You know just one half of the team that was able to this thing that one of the most scientifically advanced schools on Earth couldn’t, and best friend (only?) to Reed, and he is not even given a partial scholarship. What a great thing to teach a high schooler- no matter how much input and effort you put into your projects and work, you will never be rewarded! What bunghole biscuits were the writers ingesting when they crapped out this undercooked, soggy twat burger?

 

So, what exactly makes the brain melting stupidity on display in that sequence the best example of how poorly cobbled together the whole enterprise is? That is a two part answer-

 

1) The fact that their disqualification does not impact the story in any way showcases the bullshit that is padding out the plot at all turns. There are tons of pointless, awkward, and weird subplots that are instantly dropped and go nowhere (ie- Ben’s brother being an abusive douche; Reed’s dad is never seen again after his one bout of asshole-iness).

 

2) It is so easily rewritten to make sense, and have a logical and natural flow within the story, that it is only sheer fucking, goddamn, scrotum twisting laziness that prevented anyone from doing so: Reed and Ben enter their gizmo into the science fair, still forget the car, borrow the plane, it works, yay! But instead of the cocksplurt guru as judge, have it be goddamned, motherfucking Dr. Storm. He is literally already there! Thus, we have a character that understands the science behind the project, it is no longer just random ass kismet that Dr. Storm is there, and it makes more story sense because again, the disqualification did not affect the story in any fucking way!

 

This inattentiveness, even to its own internal logic, is present throughout the movie, and consistently destroys any tension that could have been possible. When I stated that everything that Reed and Ben did/ went through/ experienced never came back into play, I wasn’t kidding. Want to guess who helps Reed move into his new dorm-style living quarters at the Baxter Institute? If you thought, “Well, duh, it’d be his parents, because we have seen that they exist already, and they are still presumably alive”, it is adorable that you haven’t shaken your belief that the dripping jizz boys who randomly flung crap onto a dictionary and then assembled the words that weren’t covered into this fetus stain masquerading as a screenplay understand things like set-up and payoff, or continuity, or how real humans interact with each other. Please purge yourself of such faith, and note that your assumption is not only wrong, but bloody tit baskets wrong!

The answer is, of course, that Ben helps! It’s only a forty minute train ride from their hometown, please remember this detail. Ben gives Reed a going away present, and tells him that as soon as he entered this building, he just know Reed was home. Reed starts to try to argue, but begrudgingly admits that it is nice to be in a place where is understood. So, let’s look back real quick- what was accomplished in those first excruciating twenty (or so) minutes that was so necessary to the plot that we just had to see the terrible teacher be a sack gargler not once, but twice over (and have nothing he says/ does impact the story in the least fucking bit). Not one iota of a nanosecond of half a frame’s worth of anything we saw during this opening act is needed.

The kids’ hard lives (abusive family members, negligent parents, etc.) are never used to form the basis of a character arc. No, each character is roughly the same at the beginning as they are at the end- Reed is socially awkward but smart, and witty (the one liners he is given to say do suck balls, but they are meant to be funny so this counts). It’s not like he had to learn how to work with others- he had a the same project partner for seven years! Ben is tough and protective of Reed (except for the three minutes he is not; more on that and its sad handjob skills later). Sue is not in the movie enough to have much personality. Johnny fights with his dad and is cocky. Victor Von Doom is a narcissistic, piss licker. From the very first frame, until the end of the stinger free credits, none of this characters go through a change, move forward in some way, grow, or have a real arc (there is one small exception, but in the end it doesn’t come into play, so was pointless, so this complaint stands). Reed’s parents get a very quick throwaway line slightly later in the movie. Ben’s asshole brother is never heard from, discussed, seen, or brought back up in anyway. No characterizations take place in this movie at all!

 

Back to the assembly-of-things-happening-that-never-change-our-characters-so-I-hesitate-to- call-it-a-plot: Mr. Storm shows Reed the main area he’ll be working in, the dimensional travelling capsule, the computer interface to run simulations, all that jazz. Reed is there to design a working version of his disqualified, yet fully operational science fair project, that can transport organic life. Sue, and some other students (none of whom we meet, nor does Reed attempt to make friends with, the fucking wanker) are there to help him. Mr. Storm then goes to a board meeting, to try and convince his backers to keep supporting them. Chairman of the board (that is a best guess- who he is is never actually stated) Dr. Allen asks why Storm thinks a breakthrough is imminent, and why they should put more money towards this project. Storm says because they can now do it, in part thanks to Reed. Looking over the revised proposal, the board sees that Storm wants Victor Von Doom back in the school, and on this project. They seriously object because Doom decided to inform everyone he was leaving the school by setting fire to Dr. Storm’s office. Storm insists it is necessary to properly finish the project, and swears to personally oversee Doom himself. The board very reluctantly agrees.

Storm goes to Doom’s house? Garage? Pig sty? Hobo hovel? Hobo hovel, that’s the phrase to accurately describe the ickiness of where he lives. Storm offers him a chance to come back. Doom fires back, “...because someone stole my work”. Storm informs him that no, your work was not stolen, but they were working on it at the same time, and Reed actually finished the project, and was able to bring it back. Je ne sais quoi?! What the rotating dildo jackhammer is going on here? If Doom was unable to even finish the project (as in, get what they sent over to come back), why is he needed at all? Reed, and Ben, were able to do that shit while in middle school, with spare fucking parts. How in the fuck of all fucks is Doom at all needed for a project he is too dumb to finish, when you have someone who has already done so?

Seriously, why bring this guy in at all? As we get an interdimensional traveller building montage, I see nothing that he does that actually required him to be there. And yes, instead of spending time with our characters getting to know each other, we get a montage of something we know they have the ability to make. But Doom agrees, because he has a thing for Sue, I guess? The dialogue implies that (she’s one of the only people he trusts), and there is one scene where he tries to stop Reed and Sue from flirting, but aside from that nothing happens with this idea. He never asks her out and is rejected, he never even has a conversation with her, just the two them. Their interaction is only about the project, and nothing more. I understand that some forty plus percent of this cock mong abortion was reshot, but hot damn you guys, can you at least pretend to care about logic in your movie? No? Then fuck you!

 

You have probably noticed a lack of one of the leads being even so much as mentioned. That is because our introduction to Michael B. Jordan as Johnny Storm doesn’t happen until about thirty-five minutes into the film. Over one-third of the film plays out until we meet all of our leads! Jesus! Johnny was driving recklessly, crashed, and broke his arm. So Dr. Storm grounds him by forcing Johnny to help on the project. And once again, you brave souls who have managed to read this far, the father/ son strained relationship is never, ever brought up again. Johnny doesn’t change at all from it (he and his dad keep fighting throughout). The sticky sharkshit spray that is this script is too dumb to even get one cliche right. Fuck!!

So our heroes do indeed finish the dimension hopper. The first trial of a living thing happens with the board watching; a monkey is sent through. It arrives, and the vitals checkout. They bring it back, and it survives! The test was successful! The board is very impressed, and tells everyone so. Then Dr. Allen informs Storm and our leads, that it is time to get NASA involved. Everyone at the Baxter Institute seems baffled by this, because Reed and company were under the impression that they’d get to cross the planes. You know, because sending the untrained (for that kind of a mission) braintrust that created the damn over there, and that way if something goes wrong no one could help, is clearly the best damn idea of all time! Dr. Storm goes to talk to the council, along with Sue. Reed, Johnny, and Victor get drunk and decide to go themselves. Reed calls Ben, back in New Jersey, that they got the thing to work, and that he is not going without him. Ben, as groggy and tired as he is, goes. So, our heroes wait for forty bloody minutes for Ben to get there, in order to enact their bit of subversion. Reed, Ben, Johnny, and Victor enter the pod, and teleport to Planet Zero (yes, this is what the screenwriters actually decided to name it. Yes, it is a dumbass name, but there are far worse offenses this cunt maggot commits, so I am not going to expound upon it beyond this sentence). This brings up just so, so many questions-

A) Why is a demonstration like this happening so late at night/ early in the morning (depending on how you view 1am)? This involves high school students, and what respectable school, of any sort, would force their students to be up at that hour?
 

B) Are there no security guards that patrol this campus? There is at least one stationed at the entrance, but do they not also do rounds in the hall. I ask that because...

 

C) In the forty minute train ride (what trains are going that far so late?)- which means time for Ben to stagger out of bed, change, get to the train station, and then get to the school, so we’ll say an hour altogether- did neither Sue, Dr. Storm, nor anyone else bother to discover what some of the Baxter’s most gifted kids were up to after hearing distressing news.

D) Given that Sue has been much more active than Ben has been, project-wise; given that Doom maybe, kind of, perhaps, has a thing for her (any way it lands, he’s creepy as fuck when talking to or about her); given that she is actually in the damned building, and not forty minutes away; and given that she is family to one of the drunken fools, why the clusterfuck of leaking cockwhistles did no one invite her along? None of these people, who are her friends and/ or family, call her, to let her in on this adventure.

 

They cross to Planet Zero just fine, and take in the sights, which due to the lame effects resemble a moldy pube sandwich. Up until now, there haven’t been any major effects shots utilizing green screen, but holy rectal slime, does Planet Zero look awful. The greenscreen used for this planet is awful. The aligning of the foreground practical parts (aka the stuff the actors had to actually walk on) and the CGI mattes is so bad it is like using a feces rag to brush your teeth; a bad idea you knew was bad for you before you started. The last time I saw special effects be this abysmal in such a wide release, was an equally laughable superhero movie.

 

Instead of completing their original idea, of planting a flag to prove they were there first, they climb down a cliff to investigate a pool of green energy. Doom, showing all the foresight of the ‘scientists’ in that other recent sci-fi atrocity “Prometheus”, decides to stick his entire hand in the energy pool. This sets off a chain reaction of explosions all over the place. They race back to the cliff, and are climbing up to the pod, when an energy blast hits the rope and Doom falls off. Unable to go back down and rescue him, the other three get back in the pod. However, in each of their chambers, something goes amiss. Ben’s door can’t close because a ton (as in the actual weight) of rocks are being forced in there due to the storm the energy blasts unleashed. Johnny is engulfed in flames from an explosion, and Reed is stretching out of the pod to fix something.

 

That’s right, folks! They acquire their powers because of things that they were physically doing, not because of who they are; because in this movie, they are nobody. Sue gets a warning about the unstable return poised to happen, and books it to the control room. She overrides the automatic system, and brings the boys back home. This causes a huge explosion because apparently it brings in a part of the atmosphere (um, okay, shrug), which sends Sue to the floor. Even though she wasn’t there, she gets the best powers of the bunch- she can turn invisible and create force fields. I don’t exactly get how she acquires them, seeing as how she wasn’t on the planet, and didn’t touch the energy thing. But alas, by now, I am just surprised that the wank herders behind this movie even knew how to write (or type) onto paper.

 

After forty plus minutes of pussy chunks being wantonly thrown at the screen, the Four finally get their powers. And so how does this movie squander that? Why, with body horror imagery, because if there was ever something that the first family of Marvel was missing, it was seeing our protagonists suffering in the worst, most excruciating ways they could dream up. Reed awakens to the lab in disrepair, Johnny screaming in agony as he continually burns, Ben yelling for help because he is in so much pain, Reed can’t even see Sue at all, and even though he is crawling towards the rock heap crushing Ben, he still feels pain in his legs. He turns around, and sees his legs stretched out to a crazy length; he promptly passes back out. They are all rushed to Area 57, a military installation, intent much more on studying them and their powers than on healing. Fuck me sideways with an auger! That was tonally off putting, awkward, and of course, never really brought up again (I mean the extreme pain they felt during the change)!

 

Reed refuses to answer their questions, instead just asking where his friends are. But he does do their physical tests, and once he gains enough control over his abilities, he gets out of the restraints and starts crawling through the air ducts. He follows Ben’s pleas for help, and when he finds him he sees that Ben is still partly in the pile of rocks. The half that isn’t, appears to be made of rocks. An alarm sounds, Reed promises to come back for him and the others, and escapes through the ducts before he is found.

 

The movie jumps ahead one year. Where Ben is working for the military on covert missions, as they try to rebuild the dimensional traveler to attempt to cure them. Johnny keeps testing and strengthening his powers, so he too can be sent on missions; much the chagrin of his dad and sister. Yes, they fight about this, no Johnny and his dad never actually grow in their relationship. Sue refuses to participate, and just uses her powers around the compound. She can create a force field bubble, and flew it off the ground; a thing she’ll be constantly doing for little to no reason, all while sporting what just might be the single worst wig in all of cinema history. For the reshoots, she had to wear the damned thing, and it is not only a significantly different color, but it also hilariously doesn’t quite fit on her head properly, so where it begins is remarkably obvious. Yes, this production is so inept that it couldn’t even get better costumes than a low rent high school play (most high school plays that need wigs do look better than this one). And Reed is nowhere to be found.

 

And here is where the ocular rape gets full on disgustingly moronic! Reed has been blipping on the radar, but mostly staying low, trying not to be found by the government. Sue eventually discovers his whereabouts, and the Thing gets sent in, with some goons, to bring him in. Thus we are now treated to one of the only two action beats in the entire film. Yes, there are only two action sequences during the entire screentime! This one is so short though, that it barely qualifies as its own scene. Reed easily bests the guards, but then the Thing shows up. Reed is very happy to see him, and explains that he has been looking for him this entire time. Um what?! It has been one full year! And you saw him at the facility, you’ve known exactly, and I do mean fucking exactly where he has been this whole goddamned time! What have you been doing this entire time- pedantry and clit looting? What gag sucking anus hole birthed this into our world? A fucking year! Not even one week, or even two weeks. Not one month. A whole bloody year! Reed, you are a terrible human being, and an even worse friend!

 

On the ride back to the facility, Reed asks Ben if being made of rock ‘hurts’. Ben responds with ‘I’ve gotten use to it’. All that tonally off, out of nowhere, gruesome imagery after the accident boils down to a shrug and an ‘eh, it is what it is’. No, movie, no! You are are failing at plot coherence and theme, as nothing you have setup so far is paid off in any way- why was Ben’s brother abusive? Why does that not come into play at all? Between the three writers- director Josh Trank, Simon Kinberg (of the vastly overrated ‘X-Men’ franchise), and Jeremy Slater (of “Lazarus Effect” infamy; can we just stop him before he is allowed to ruin every Hollywood movie ever?)- could not a single of them recognize that nothing comes back to inform our characters later; that none of the visual cues amount to anything meaningful; that there is no arc or through line for the story, so it stalls?

 

Reed looks at how far they’ve come with the revamped teleporter, and quips that they “have made it ugly”. It doesn’t look that much different, nor is it that unsightly (perhaps the only time I will say such a thing about this pulsating tit zit), so, Reed, stop being a crusty cum sock. As if to prove how idiotic its own plot is, Reed is not even there for five minutes, when he notices that part of the coding is in the wrong order, and retypes the thing. If Reed could do that so quickly, and accomplished what Doom never could, why in Cocktimus Prime’s anal raping name was Doom ever needed for the project? Stupid, stupid, and even more stupid!

The new machine works, and a squadron of soldiers are sent through to explore. They are taking readings, when a lifeform pops up on their radar. It approaches quickly, and it turns out to be Doom! Due to the extreme exposure to the green energy, and for the duration he was in the other dimension, his suit fused to his body. This is how the movie gives Doom the classic metallic look. And it fizzles from first glance, the dark grey of the metal, mixed with the green energy streaks going across his skin (?) look more like radioactive scrotal frostbite. However, the real painal part of his look is the mouth. The exploration suits have slot vents right along the mouth, and for Doom’s fused stuff, the vent still sticks out a bit, and we can see behind the vents… his lips don’t move when he speaks. They don’t fucking move! That is akin to being circumcised with a deli slicer- sure, the job is technically done, but in the worst way imaginable.

 

Doom gets up off the gurney, and starts zapping everyone he sees. He zaps Dr. Storm, after explaining that he wants to destroy our world to create his own (back on Planet Zero). Doom sets off a massive energy blast between worlds (dimensions? The movie can’t really decide what it is, and the cast and crew have too many cum clots in their brains to realize that there is a difference). This blast causes a black hole-esque effect on Earth, so Reed and company zap back to the dimension to confront their nemesis. Each member of the group attacks him individually, and the ambulatory pineapple with chlamydia seems poised to win. After deciding that they’d be stronger fighters as one unit (no fucking way, you clever sleuth you!), Reed details out a plan.

 

Ben throws some rocks for Doom to zap, to allow Reed to get in close enough to physically fight him. Doom instantly starts to choke him, and says, “Reed, you always did think you were smarter than me”. Wait a fucking minute jizz lips! At no single moment does Reed ever even imply he thinks that. Point in fact, when the two are introduced to each other, it is Reed that says “pleasure to meet you”, and Doom just brushes him off as he does with everyone else. Then, Reed listens to Doom’s suggestion to do their own expedition to Planet Zero (yes, it is Doom’s idea, despite Doom not really giving two shits about any of this). Reed never thought this, ever. Did you donkey raping shit eaters even read your spluge swigging script?

Reed replies, “I am smarter than you”. -see rant above about how dumb that is- Then he ducks out of the way as a now visible (Sue can turn other objects/ people invisible, not just her) the Thing punches Doom into the energy blast, as Johnny flies through the rock pillars to cause the whole thing to come crashing down. Doom explodes, and they return to our world. Mind you, this whole fight scene, the only real one in this wretched, lice infested shit-raker, is set in the other dimension. And since the effects are so appalling and cheap, and the characters so one dimensional, and the action so poorly staged and shot, the audience is not invested at all.

 

Finally, the movie is coming to a close. They agree to continue Dr. Storm’s relationship with the government, with a few caveats. No, they don’t take over running the Baxter Institute (ya know, the fucking sensible, already established place for them to go back to). Instead they take over Central City, whole part and parcel. It is told to us that they were a hush hush government thing, but now they work exclusively for the Fantastic Four. How in the incestous gangbang of royalty is such a cockamamie thing even fucking possible? What sort of cooch monster can authorize the whole movement of a governing agency to the private sector like that? Can everyone involved with this sperm burping, cum dumpster really be so astoundingly dumb?

 

Anyways, they are on a tour, and stop at a big pane window overlooking some sort of robot building area (or something like that), and Reed asks what they should call themselves? My vote was for cum clots, but movies can’t hear its audience. They all think for a moment, and Johnny makes a bad, bad joke (I think on purpose, so I’ll let it slide this once. Just this once). Reed tells Ben “It’s been a crazy journey we’ve been on, huh?”. Ben says, “Yeah, it has. It has been fantastic”. So um, I guess all is forgiven with that whole Reed abandoned you guys for a year to jerk off into a pool of orphan tears for all we know? Okay, that’s cool. Reed gets the biggest, shit eating-est grin you can imagine, and asks Ben to repeat what he just said. Ben does, and Reed goes, “Guys, I’ve got it”. Cut to black, and the title “Fantastic Four” pops up on screen. The fucking end. What a disastrously pretentious way to end your fucking fail heap of celluloid.

 

Clearly, the script and plotting have the most issues. The dialogue is exposition heavy, and never flows naturally. Truth be told, one would glean more input from the echoing silence left by SIDS, than by any single line here. I haven’t seen family dynamics and character arcs fail this piss poorly since Gareth Edwards’ maggot brained “Godzilla (2014)”.

 

But sadly, the suck parade doesn’t just end there. Josh Trank’s “Chronicle” was a fun, impressive, if somewhat flawed debut film, that had an energy and passion to it, so that the flaws could be overlooked by sheer scope and skill alone. Here though, not one frame has any energy or passion or any emotion at all behind it. On set, he apparently had his head so far up his ass that he was choking on his own dick, so the movie was essentially taken away from him. Tons of reshoots, and edited without him (allegedly), so not all of the blame should go to him for how this turd burger came out. But given all the issues, he definitely wasn’t doing his job properly.

Each and every scene is poorly lit, with a shallow depth of field, causing one of the worst looking movies in a while, and certainly the worst looking superhero flick, maybe ever. Yes, even the tongue punch in the ol’ fart box that was “Green Lantern” actually had better looking scenes (bad, early 1990s CGI and all)!

The editing was probably done by a crusty, syphilitic shit monkey. The slapdash quality of the whole affair is most noticeable in the sloppy transitions of time. I was really hoping that after the putrid, sentient cesspool “Godzilla (2014)”, we’d never see so little care given to the way a scene plays out, but well, here we are. As previously mentioned, all the special effects go over as well as attempting to use a live squid as a condom. Only the most dimwitted of fools would even consider it an attractive prospect. The greenscreen on the planet is so bad, but not in a fun bad way.

 

On paper, the main cast looks dynamite- Miles Teller, hot off his lauded performance in “Whiplash”, and starring in hits such as “Divergent” is a solid choice for a young Reed Richards. Michael B. Jordan was a ton of fun in “Chronicle”, and proved he could bring a real emotional resonance with “Fruitvale Station”. Jamie Bell has always been a dynamic screen presence, I mean, there is a reason he keeps getting work, but I thought he was too scrawny for a role like the Thing. But, given the right material, he’s good enough to probably overcome that. Kate Mara is on a highly acclaimed show, and has been excellent in such different fare as “Deadfall” and “10 Years”.

Sadly, the reality is that they all fall flat on their faces. None of them have chemistry with each other, and they sound bored and unconvincing as brilliant scientists. Teller, especially seems to be too tired to try, as his one liners, his serious “I have been looking for you” to Ben during their scuffle, and his ending “I’ve got it…” all have the exact same intonations. Jordan brings none of the charm or fun that he so clearly has to this role, and his petty squabbling with Reg E. Cathy’s Dr. Storm gets tiresome quickly. Bell sounds awkward as the voice of the Thing; his slightly high pitched voice doesn’t suit the booming quality of a rock monster. Mara, for her part, isn’t in the movie enough to actually make an impression of any kind. Seriously, she’s barely in this. Cathy gives the best performance, actually seeming like he cares about all these kids. However, his role is so poorly conceived and written- he seems to love Doom and Reed more than Johnny- that he is defeated and worn down as well.

However, it is Toby Kebbell that gives the worst performance of the year; I know it is only August, and that I haven’t seen “Pixels” yet, but I don’t see how anyone can embarrass themselves as thoroughly, or impressively, as Kebbell does here. If he finds any work after displaying such stale and completely comatose acting, it’ll be a miracle; not that I am looking forward to anything he’ll work on, because he is one of the worst actors to emerge in the last decade. Each bit of dialogue out of his mouth isn’t just stilted, it is stiff and overblown at the same time. His body mannerisms and facial expressions scream wild, unpredictable guy, but his line readings are so goddamned, bloody, motherfucking flat and anti-dimensional that there is a tonal difference in this one person’s acting. I didn’t even know that was possible! And yes, anti-dimensional, not even one dimension of real acting is seen here- his speechifying is so fucktarded that the words themselves barely come out of his mush mouth. Kebbell should have finished eating the metric ton of dicks he was munching on before shooting commenced. Since he didn’t, he gives what is the worst fucking performance in a superhero flick since Halle Berry in the infamous “Catwoman”. And that movie made me vomit. Literallly.

 

If you glean only one thing from amidst all the dumb, all the swearing, and all the ranting, is it this: This movie has no fun or joy in it. This movie is not so bad it’s good, it is just a painful eyesore that insults everyone who had the displeasure of viewing it. It has no redeeming qualities, and everyone involved in unleashing this craptastic plague of eye gonorrhea should feel profound, unabiding shame.