Jurassic City Review by Bobby LePire. Edited by Courtney McAllister.

 

Just look at that cover art. Seriously, what isn’t awesome about that? A t-rex bigger than skyscrapers? Yeah, that’s cool as hell! Carnage throughout Los Angeles? While in real life, obviously, that would suck; when one watches a dinosaur movie though, a fair amount of death is expected, so that’s a plus. (Presumably) Military forces ineffectually fighting back? Why does it appear that traditional weapons aren’t affecting the bazillion story high monster? That is intriguing. The tagline- “Throwing LA back to the stone ages”? I like it. Fairly standard as far as dino-centric movies go, but it is simple, and sweet, and just interesting enough to be kind of fun. All of that is why I made a special trip out the day after “Jurassic City” ‘s release date (this past Tuesday, 2/3/15) to buy the movie. Why isn’t the movie advertised the one we got? If dinosaurs are inherently awesome (they are), why was this so inert? Can a movie exist without a point?

 

The plot isn’t as cool as the cover art, not by a long shot-

For various reasons, which we spend way too much time following, some sorority girls end up in the drunk tank, along with a tweaked raver, and two ladies of the evening. Also present is a serial killer, finally arrested after an intense manhunt, two random dudes (hobos? drunkards? I have no clue), and the prison guards and warden (Ray Wise). For reasons that are inexplicable, a convoy of armed mercenaries, working on a top secret project for a very powerful company by guarding a van housing three very special animals- freaking velociraptors!- are allowed to park underneath the jail. Who lives? Who dies? Who freaking cares?

 

So, let’s start with the positives- the prologue is pretty good. Guards at an unnamed corporation are patrolling what appear to be holding cells, and as we are wondering what’s in there (or not, given the title and cover art), a big, scaly eye looks through the pane on the door. While not particularly scary, it is a nice way of establishing that this is where the dinosaurs come from, while establishing a sense of scale.

 

The opening title sequence is rather stylized, very comic booky, and CGI heavy, but in a very specific way; kind of giving off a “300” or “Sin City” vibe that got me very eager to see what the next ninety minutes were to offer up.

 

Ray Wise wrings some unexpected pathos out of his supporting turn, and Kevin Gage is happily cranked to eleven, so all of his scenes have an energy the rest of the film sadly lacks. Dana Melanie, aside from being a young Rachel Weisz lookalike, surprisingly gives the best and most heartfelt performance, as sorority sister Pippi. With less than ten credits to her name, based on the performance given here, I wouldn’t be surprised if she became a huge star in the near future.

 

Finally, once the dinosaurs are let loose (maybe on purpose? This movie’s plot doesn’t exactly bother with coherence or logic, even by dino-action flick standards) there is a decent amount of carnage. The blood isn’t too bad, even if most of the splatter is CGI (or enhanced by).

 

In what is probably my favorite scene, a raptor that is running amok throughout suburbia is being tracked by some of the corporate henchmen. The dinosaur either has ESP or is part Aquaman, because when the guys with guns show up to the last house it was reported to have attacked, it is nowhere to be found. Then, up from out of the deep end of the pool, it jumps and snacks on one of the mercs. If the whole movie had been like this, this would be “Poseidon Rex” levels of awesome ridiculousness!

 

Sadly, though, the script’s dialogue isn’t nearly as imaginative or fun as some of the setpieces. In the beginning, at the sorority party, a random guy walks into the living room, where the music is the loudest, and calmly, somewhat quietly states that the “cops are here”. Everyone scatters! How did anyone hear this guy? I seriously don’t get it. Minor complaint though, just one I believe to be indicative of how lazy the production was. The worst line comes shortly after that, and I am going to try to put in proper context, but am unsure if that will help- the sorority girls are in a holding cell with two prostitutes. Pippi and Sarah (a passable Kayla Carlyle) are complaining to Stephanie (a god awful Sofia Mattsson), that they don’t even belong there because they weren’t driving, Stephanie retorts with this:

 

“In life, you’re either a passenger or a driver. Me, I prefer being behind the wheel”.

 

Um, movie, what does this have to do with the discussion at hand? How is that a reasonable response to the predicament? If they were discussing why Stephanie was always such a high strung bitch, no matter the awkward phrasing, that line would make sense. But in context, it is nonsensical, dumb, and just shows the audience how little director/ writer/ editor Sean Cain cared about characterizations of the people he created and brought to life.

 

Unfortunately, the plot goes about its business much the same way as the above quote. Half assed, awkward, and with little substance. In a fairly recent article (it’s a great read) Film Crit Hulk states that it isn’t a character (or characters) that must have an arc, but the movie must have one. I couldn’t agree more, but that is a rant for another day. The point being this movie has neither any character arcs, nor does the movie have one. When all is said and done, none of the characters grew or learned anything, nor did the movie’s plot progress at all-

 

Evil corporate guy may or may not have intentionally released` the dinosaurs; he keeps saying this is a test run, but his reasons why are because he could? I think? So, do the protagonists stop him by thwarting his test run in the prison? Does Sean Cain give a damn about continuity or keeping things engaging? The answer to both questions is nope! The only two survivors from the prison stumble out, hurt, but alive and triumphant, only to discover that many more dinosaurs- tyrannosaurus rexes, ptreadons, etc.- have been wreaking havoc on the city. When were these creatures released? What was the purpose of the story in the prison, if it was all for naught?

 

Now, don’t get me wrong- sometimes a movie ending with the audience realizing that there was a larger thing going on works (ie- “Resident Evil”, “The Crazies (2010)”, and “Invasion Of The Body Snatchers” (choose a version)), but that is because such a thing not only makes sense for the antagonists to be doing, but because we have watched our leads grow, that kind of ending adds context to their experiences. But since every character here either dies or stays the exact same throughout the runtime, that cannot be the case here. So, again, I ask, why was this story, set in prison, the one we were told? It is a shallow, and repetitive drag of a story (how many times can you watch characters move slowly from one cell block to the next, just to lock themselves in that new block?), when clearly there’s a larger more compelling narrative going on here, just out of frame.

 

The worst thing about the movie is probably the poorly rendered CGI and dopey ass design of the raptors. The dinosaurs look too smooth, very untextured, and aren’t integrated into the scenes all that well. This is so bad it gives “Attack Of The Gryphon”, a movie eight years older than this, a run for award for worst rendered creatures in a DTDVD movie! The raptors- the other dinosaurs have about five seconds of screentime- look weirdly goofy. It might be the odd slits on either side of their mouths that make them appear to be smiling (I don’t know/ care if this is accurate to their real designs. They aren’t covered in feathers, so accuracy isn’t really what this strives for), or it might be their sunken eyeholes from which their eyes bug out, creating a surreal look, or it might be their jutting sides, as if they have a beer belly on either side, from which the raptors continually downward facing, 100% ineffectual claws are attached.

 

I don’t get this movie- I don’t get why, if the whole city was being attacked, we are stuck in a prison; I don’t get why so much time is wasted on the sorority party; I don’t get the “this just a test run” bit; I don’t get why this wasn’t much more enjoyable. As a regular consumer of these kinds of films on a regular basis, I always hope they are gonzo fun, in some manner. All the ingredients are here, but the plodding, pointless plot, dumb characters, and bad CGI got in the way.