Man-Thing Review by Bobby LePire. Edited by Courtney McAllister.

 

This movie based, incredibly loosely, on the Marvel comic of the same name (which debuted two months before the first ‘Swamp Thing’, the same year), had quite a few issues during production. Originally intended as a theatrical release, then downgraded to a direct-to-video release, then relegated to a TV movie; as such, it aired on the SyFy channel in 2005. Yeah, there’s a reason it got shafted down and unceremoniously dumped on to TV- that reason is, of course, massive what the fuckery.

 

But before we get to the head hurting nonsense, here’s a brief rundown of the plot:

 

Brand new Bywater sheriff, Kyle Williams (Matthew Le Nevez), arrives the day after a couple were attacked in the swamp- the boy died, the girl is in a catatonic state in a nearby hospital. This is just the latest in a rash of similar attacks/ people gone missing. On top of all that, he has to deal with teacher Teri Richards (Rachael Taylor) leading the charge against Frederic Schist (Jack Thompson) and his drilling operations. The native Seminole tribe are being blamed for the vandalism and destruction of property that keep happening to the drills and various equipment. Elder storyteller Pete Horn (Rawiri

Paratene) knows that it’s the “spirit of the swamp”, come to seek vengeance on those that wreak havoc on the land. Add a murder subplot at the last minute, and Kyle sure has his hands full!

 

While I have no clue how faithful this is to the comic (from what I understand, not very), the plot’s at least fairly dense, trying to be more than just a creature feature. That ambition though is the only positive thing about the story. It’s a ramshackle of subplots that lead nowhere, confusing motivations, and stupid characters being stupid, but more on all that in a moment.

 

First, let’s look at the very few positives! Which, basically, just encompasses all of the police force, and... absolutely nothing else. Matthew Le Nevez, despite his consistently inconsistent American accent (film is set in Louisiana, but filmed in Australia), gives the best performance in the film. Strong and authoritative, he’s quite believable as the new sheriff who is trying to lay down the law with a bunch of folks who are used to paying their way out of such things. Alex O’Loughlin costars as dopey Deputy Fraser, and is tons of fun. His comedic timing is one of the only things to enliven the film with any real energy. Finally, director Brett Leonard portrays the coroner, Val. His blunt way of talking, and eternally lit cigarette make for an intriguing character that seems to have a life outside of the film. I just wish his directorial ability was as fun and enjoyable as his acting.

 

Alright, are you ready to have your head explode? Here are all the plot and technical problems in handy, dandy bullet point format, because it’s way easier for me to explain them like this (as chronologically as I can):

• Very first thing, we get some random guy doing a voice-over about how the swamp land is sacred and the drills are destroying it. We eventually find out that the speaker is Pete Horn, but there’s only this VO and one at the end, to tie everything together, I suppose. It’s a lazy use of such, and only there to provide context for things the filmmakers didn’t trust the audience to completely understand. So, the story is very poorly structured, and here’s the kicker, it is wholly unnecessary! The voice over only ever tells the audience things we find out over the course of the movie to begin with, so why bother with it all? Padding, bitches!

• This god-awful narration mentions “...greed and murder” as part of the reasons the titular Man-Thing was created. The movie just began, and the murder subplot near the end of the film is meant to a be a small twist, because it changes some character motivations, etc. Way to ruin your own mystery, movie, sheesh!

• Throughout the film, the swamp looks let a set. The trees appear to be inorganic and painted, the rocks look like styrofoam, and the bog water looks like week old mop water got poured into a shallow pool. Considering that 50%-60% of the film takes place in it, that’s a huge problem. Not good? No, not at all. Freaking hilariously bad? Quite!

• In the woods surrounding the swamp, some unsupervised teens are having a party. One would think that considering all the missing persons and inexplicable deaths, parents would keep a tighter leash on their kids, but this movie doesn’t even have a quarter of a brain cell to think about that.

• At this party, a couple sneaks off to a boat in the swamp and get nasty. After showing her breasts (because, of course) Man-Thing attacks them and kills the boy. The girl survives, but is in a severe state of shock. Say what? Why does Man-Thing hurt them? They aren’t doing anything to the swamp or the tribe. There’s not even a scene of them littering, because if there was, at least it’d be justification, no matter how flimsy. It just attacks them apropos of nothing, because dumb movie thinks it is a slasher flick! Aww, how quaint!

• Excluding O’Loughlin, each and every actor has an accent that either sounds like a caricature of a Southern accent, or an inconsistent one that comes and goes from scene to scene (and in one case, line to line).

• The movie prefers to tell us most things, especially in the first act, and just dumps the exposition at an alarming rate. The movie never lets the characters breathe and consider all their options.

• Our introduction to Teri involves her illegally chaining herself to a bulldozer and then kicking Kyle to the ground when he tries to undo her chain. She immediately apologizes, because I guess she doesn’t understand how kicks and gravity work! And we are supposed to sympathize with this clearly crazy person. Words can’t express such impressive idiocy, but bouts of hysterical laughter can.

• Obviously, Teri gets arrested for assaulting the sheriff. Now, all the stuff I just described takes place in the middle of a bright, sunny day. Cut to the interrogation of Teri, and it’s night. So, it took hours and hours for Kyle to get around talking to her. Why and how? Answers never come.

• The next morning, Kyle goes to the local diner for breakfast. A blackout occurs while he is there. Since rolling blackouts aren’t brought up as an issue throughout the town, and the human antagonists couldn’t have been involved, the WTF factor rockets up quite a bit! This is because the only logical answer is that Man-Thing caused it. During the blackout, he doesn’t kill anyone, nor is anything accomplished. So, what the living hell was the point of him doing that? What a jerk!

• Kyle goes about his job, and investigates the death of the local boy. While visiting the hospital that the girl is at, she freaks out on him. We are told that she’s been immobile since arriving there, and Kyle hasn’t met, seen, touched, nor does he even so much as smell like Man-Thing at this point. Considering that the girl being alive, or the freakout, never come into play in the plot, this makes no sense! Seriously, movie, what the balls are you doing?

• At one of the drilling sites, the security guard is attacked. During the struggle, the guard runs inside. The door is blasted and blown into shards by gale-force winds. So, on top of the glowing red eyes, super strength, and power over swamp life, Man-Thing can control the weather… I guess. And of course, this particular power is never used again!

• The cinematography throughout the film is flat and uninspired, and the movie only bathes in two colors- green and gold. I am unsure why each and every scene is one of those two colors, but there we have it.

• Brothers Wayne and Rodney Thibadeaux are the two dumbest characters in any film, this side of Nolan’s “Dark Knight Rises”. After being told explicitly by the cops that if they are caught hunting down a suspect hiding in the woods, they would be arrested; and factor in the ton of recent unexplained deaths and missing persons, the Brothers Stupid should want to avoid that area for a gazillion reasons. But Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Derp still go out in search of the guy. Of course they wind up dead!

• Kyle is tracking down what he now knows to be a supernatural entity, and is told to believe in ‘dark water’. As far as the audience is aware, he knows nothing at all about dark water. He is brand new to this town, and no one has explained what that is to him!

• Kyle remembers something Pete Horn said, and convinces Teri to take him to see Horn. After a few brief questions, and getting no helpful answers at all, Kyle loses his cool with Horn, and yells at him that people are going to get hurt and he needs to know what that thing is. Teri yells at Kyle that “this isn’t what she brought him here for”. It’s a freaking investigation, and Horn is actively and willfully impeding it, what the fuck else was she expecting? Stupid characters depress my logic center, but make me laugh my ass off.

• Romance after three scenes together, including Kyle arresting Teri! I hope this movie carries an epi pen, since it has such a severe allergy to logic.

• Chasing Man-Thing through the swamp creates magically appearing fog… or the filmmakers are as dumb as their characters and don’t know how fog works.

• Pete Horn summons Man-Thing, and this time, the creature of no sensible motivations decides to kill the guy that conjured him to protect his own land! What the god-motherfucking-damn nonsensical bullshit storm of lunacy are you up to? You tell us that Man-Thing is the spirit of the swamp, and meant to protect the land and the people attuned to this (not just the tribesfolk), but it kills random people for no reason, and then kills the human that gives it purpose! Why? This isn’t an interesting twist, it is a slap across the face with your limp dick. Plot structure and character arcs/ motivations are how one tells a coherent and engaging story. I humbly ask that you look into these things, and come back to me a better movie.

• Man-Thing then chases Kyle and Teri throughout the swamp in a massive cop out! The chase scene is purposefully shot so dark that the audience can only see what our two leads’ flashlights shine on. All the other night scenes are lit to an appropriate level of dark but still bright enough to see things. Therefore, this blackout technique is simply a way to avoid spending money on the CGI to create Man-Thing, which would have greatly energized the movie and given it some thrills.

• Not that such would be improving much, as the CGI on Man-Thing is piss poor. It looks plastic and never seems to actually be there. For a seven foot tall (best guesstimate) supernatural beast, it is surprisingly weightless. It has vine tentacle things that peacock out from its back, and quiver when Man-Thing attempts to be menacing. The quivering is far more hilariously stupid and less intimidating than Leonard was hoping for.

 

All of this is made even worse because director Brett Leonard has made some very good, enjoyable films before- “Lawnmower Man”, “Feed” (also with Alex O’Loughlin), and “Hideaway” are just three examples that prove he can mix action, special effects, and horror elements in interesting and fun ways. I don’t know what happened here, but my, how the mighty have fallen.

 

If you were curious as to why Marvel decided they needed creative control over their cinematic licenses, this movie is emblematic of the sort of dreck from other studios that was sullying their name. The characters’ accents come and go, they barely develop; cliches abound; the special effects are terrible- even for a SyFy film; the attempts at style feel forced, laughable, and dated; the plot is dumber and has more holes than a wormhole that feeds into a blackhole exclusively filled with idiots; making the wrong decisions at every turn, this movie is a veritable laugh riot! However, for all of its numerous, towering issues, I’ll take the laughably dumb ambition and shoddy everything (production wise) on display here over the boring tedium of, say, the “X-Men” franchise. Those all seem interchangeable, with no clear vision, and run together in my head. Thanks to all the problems outlined above, and rampant what the fuckery, no one will ever confuse “Man-Thing” for anything else. And in the end, isn’t it better to be memorable than bland?