Mega Piranha Review by Bobby LePire. Edited by Courtney McAllister.

 

Before “Sharknado” was released, The Asylum was, perhaps, best known for their ‘mockbusters’- movies with very comparable titles and superficial similarities, but whose plot is very different, as a larger budgeted, theatrically released movie. Typically, mockbusters are released within a week either direction of their big budget counterpart. Alexandre Aja’s completely off-the-wall, awesome remake of “Piranha” begot The Asylum’s “Mega Piranha” (which due to production issues on “Piranha”, was released several months before the theatrical film debuted).

 

The plot is trying too damn hard, if you ask me, but here it is-

 Genetically modified piranha are terrorizing people along the Orinoco River, so Special Agent Fitch (Paul Logan) teams  up with scientist Sarah Monroe (former pop star Tiffany), and the Venezuelan Army to try to bring the beastly  fish, that double in size every thirty-six hours, down. After crossing borders without proper documentation, insane Colonel Diaz (David Labiosa) doesn’t listen to reason, and believes them to be there to plant the deadly fish, not kill them. The mega piranha keep making their way north, heading toward Florida, leaving an impressive trail of carnage in their wake. Fitch and Sarah, while being pursued by Diaz, must find a way to destroy these creatures before they destroy the world.

 

Look, when your plot involves already deadly fish, that continue to grow until they are the size of battleships, you really don’t need to add anything else. Just throw in a few character moments, and a ridiculously awesome scene that lands high on the badassitude meter, and bam, your movie is set. Here, that holds true- the scenes of destruction, trying different means to destroy the fish (they are immune to torpedoes), and watching the fish destroy an aircraft carrier is tons of fun. Throw in one of my all time favorite Asylum scenes, for sheer absurdity, and there’s a good amount of fun to be had. Unfortunately, everything with Diaz and the government feels like filler, just there to reach a certain runtime. While it’s meant to raise the stakes, it just grinds the more immediate and urgent threat swimming through the film to a halt. Fighting giant, flying (this is a power that is eventually gained), building chewing, genetically enhanced piranha provides way more tension building than fighting some dickhead humans. While the movie isn’t ruined at all by this addition, it is held back from being spectacular.

 

Martial artist and stuntman turned actor Paul Logan is fairly reliable here. While some of his line deliveries aren’t that great, most of the time he’s good, especially when spouting off a one-liner. His role as Fitch allows him to show off his impressive martial arts skills, and he is clearly doing a decent amount of the stunts himself, which always helps immerse the viewer. His chemistry with Tiffany isn’t that strong though, so their scenes together aren’t as much fun as they could have been. For her part, Tiffany does a good, believable job as a scientist. Occasionally, she sounds too eager and chipper for the moment at hand, but she is having fun, and clearly aware of the kind of film she is making (this was released before “Mega Python Vs. Gatoroid”, and she is better in that movie than here).

 

Labiosa snarls a lot, relishing the chance to be so over-the-top, but again, the menace he presents is undercut by the story. Barry Williams, yes, that Barry Williams, has a small, but pivotal role as Fitch’s supervisor. Sounding more desperate with each phone call, he’s solid and sells the ridiculousness of it all quite well. The rest of the supporting cast all do well enough.

 

Coming from seasoned Asylum director Eric Forsberg (five films of theirs in five years), the movie never tries to be anything more than what it is- low budget, creature feature with a fun gimmick. While lacking a distinct style, he maintains a nice, frenzied pace whenever the action is happening, and balances the jokey one-liners, copious destruction, and human elements well. The low budget does mean he had to use some stock footage from other Asylum movies, and while integrated well, if you know the movies, it will take you out of the movie for a moment to see the brief clips.

 

The piranha themselves have a gnarled appearance, lending a nice visual cue to their ferocity, and don’t look half bad when underwater. The special puppets used for some close ups look especially well detailed. However, when above the water, they appear lighter than air and move across the screen less credibly than when swimming. However, because they cause so much mayhem, their sometimes less than stellar look hardly hampers the movie.

 

The action is good, but predictable. Submarines shoot torpedoes at the fish, but miss. Soldiers fire guns at them, but the piranha are too busy jumping out of the water and noming on folks to care about bullets. Once they grow in size, there are some cooler moments, but if you’ve seen one piranha attack someone, than this will be very familiar. All but for one amazingly cool, oh my dear god ridiculous moment- Fitch is knocked to the ground by a tremor, and a parade of piranha jump out of the water to gnaw on his tasty flesh. In order to stay alive, Fitch, while on his back, mind you, bicycle kicks the flying fish back into the river. He bicycle kicks flying, overgrown piranha! This moment perfectly encapsulates why I love the Asylum so much. Where in the hell else am I going to get see something that fantastically insane, dumb, brilliant, and gloriously cool? Only here, and thus, fan for life! This scene makes the movie, for all its faults, a thousand percent worth watching.

 

This isn’t the most inventive, engaging, or intelligent Asylum film. It is bogged down by a needless subplot, and some iffy CGI effects. The chemistry between our two leads is spotty, at best, and the use of stock footage is noticeable. However, Paul Logan is solid, the action is fun, and it is just absurd enough to be enjoyably crazy. Plus, with the addition of one of the most purely insane scenes in any Asylum movie, “Mega Piranha” is worth a watch, just temper your expectations.