Super Shark Review by Bobby LePire. Edited by Courtney McAllister.

 

The other week, I was doing the modern equivalent of channel surfing- genre searching on the likes of Netflix, Crackle, and, in this instance, Hulu Plus. I was in one of those moods where I didn’t know what I wanted to watch, but I did know what I wasn’t in the mood for. Coupled with the attempt to find a movie that’d keep my wife up with me, things were looking hairy. Then bathed in gold (the title is a bright yellow, and the rest of the poster is a nice mix of dark and bright colors and is quite eye catching), as if a gift from the heavens, “Super Shark” - starring John Schneider and Jimmie Walker and directed by Fred Olen Ray- emerged out from the hellish depths that is navigating Hulu Plus on anything that isn’t a computer proper. I knew immediately that I had to watch, and my wife- who has watched plenty of this crap with me- stayed up and viewed it as well.

 

So, was “Super Shark” worth the time it took to find and the energy put into staying awake for it? You bet your sweet ass it was! This movie is terribly fun, ridiculously crazy, and entertaining as hell! Without further ado, here’s why!

 

John Schneider is really solid here, quite believable as a man who is genuinely shocked by the tragedy and is willing to help however possible. Plus, he gets to chew scenery with great lines like, “I wish I had a mustache to twirl”. It’s stated with such gleeful joy, it might be the best bit of acting in the entire film. Sarah Lieving seems to play the Oceanic Investigative Bureau angle a little too rigidly until a twist in her character comes along, and the reasons for that rigidness become clearer. Her banter/ eventual romance with Chuck is acted out much more naturally. Tim Abell as Chuck exudes a laid back, easygoing charm that makes him quite likable. Some scenes he plays may be a little too earnest, but that’s okay, as it allows his more unsavory qualities (easily bought with enough money, bends laws to his need, attends bikini contests) to not be quite as noticeable.

 

Catherine Annette is head lifeguard Jill, and she’s the one with the line that’s not tonally consistent. But she has her moments, especially when she’s being a firm boss. John L. Curtis as fellow lifeguard Brody, has nothing to work with, but looks good doing it, so kudos on the good genetics! Rya Meyers as the final lifeguard is the best actor of the three, but her character  doesn’t get a chance to properly develop thanks to the uselessness all three lifeguards wind up being. The worst actress is Rebecca Grant as Tracey, the reporter that bookends the film and has a few segments throughout. Grant delivers the news with all the inquisitiveness of a pebble, and all the vocal stylings of a broken hobo-bot.

 

So, what I am about to describe may sound like spoilers, but is actually the kickass opening to grab the audiences’ throats and keep them engaged; spoiler warning- it works. A tank mech (a tank mech! a freaking tank mech!!!) is firing upon the titular super shark, that is walking on land with its giant flippers. After a point blank shot, blood splatters out of the shark and morphs into the title. After being on for only a minute, I’m already in love with its insanity!

 

Flashback to a week ago, and we see the super shark bring down an entire oil rig. Fun fact about super sharks- when they headbutt the base of a drilling platform, it causes explosions at the very top of the same platform, because that’s how physics works! (No, no it is not.) The rest of the plot involves the shark indiscriminately killing, a pointless subplot with lifeguards, and an OIB officer, Kat (Sarah Lieving), doggedly pursuing the CEO of the oil company, Wade (John Schneider), with the help of her hired captain, Chuck (Tim Abell). Walker is a radio DJ that’s hosting a bikini contest.

 

Not the most original of plots, sure, but man oh man, the movie makes the payoff worth it. That payoff being a kickass tank mech! However, before the payoff happens, the fun comes from the stupid sins this movie commits. There are a few, but let’s start off discussing some of the bad lines. “I am so, so over him”. This valley girlish line doesn’t have the same tongue planted firmly in cheek tone as so much of the rest of the movie, which makes its stupidity all the more obvious and annoying. Three other dumb moments happen when Kat goes to speak with the survivor of the oil rig-

• She can just wander the halls searching aimless for one specific doctor. While I don’t hangout at hospitals 24/7, I have been to them enough to know that such a thing is not only impossible, but would land you a meeting with the security officers.

• When talking to Jenkins, the worker that survived, she isn’t shown to his room. Instead he’s wheeled out to the lobby. Was getting a few sheets hung up in a dusty room too expensive for the production? How much is his life being put in jeopardy by this negligent hospital staff?

• Jenkins tells Kat about the real reason the rig went down- the super shark! Kat doesn’t believe him, despite her already knowing about the illegal chemicals in the water, and some evidence of said chemicals messing with the ecosystem. Based on all this, believing him, as he’s clearly sound of mind and calm and rational when discussing it, is the most logical response.

 

I guess the shark is an underwater stealth bomber, as no one in this movie has the ability to hear it approaching. When it’s just a few feet away from some scuba divers, they don’t hear it, they don’t notice any changes in light/ shadows, or water movement around them. I am no expert on scuba diving, but how could they not have noticed it in any fashion? It’s not until it opens its huge mouth and eats one of them that they react. This continues to happen throughout the film. The winners of the bikini contest are on the beach, modeling with a photographer, and it leaps out of the water, and isn’t noticed until it lands to eat all three of them. It sneaks up on the armed forces, lifeguards, everyone! And not a damned one notices before it growls/ chomps one of them down for dinner.

 

This leads me to another delightfully dumb aspect of the flick. The shark attacks seemingly at random, not just when it feels threatened. This is a movie about a giant shark that awoke thanks to an oil platform drilling in the wrong rocks, so aggression factor isn’t the issue. During 95% (or more) of the shark’s attacks, it usually only eats one person, including when it’s waddling its way up a beach filled with people. It’s a three ton behemoth with razor-like teeth, and is as long as a submarine. I fail to see how one human every few hours (sometimes its been twelve or so) keeps this thing full. It wouldn’t be so odd, except that sometimes it does eat more, and it’s always used as a way of killing off (semi-)important characters- which is a nice way to raise the stakes, but always feels inconsistent, as if the movie just needed to excise characters because it couldn’t think of a logical ending to their subplots.

 

When hard proof finally rears its head, the military is quick to organize. But when guarding the beach, some of the guards have their backs to the beach! WTF? Threat isn’t unknown, in which case watching sea, air, and land makes sense. Here though, it’s just an underwater creature; granted it can walk on land for a few minutes at a time, but it’s still a sea based animal. The military failing so hard is hilarious, which only adds to the overall awesome fun this film provides.

 

Finally, we are back to the end with the tank mech! During this fight the tank kicks (KICKS!) the super shark in the head! It’s glorious and amazing!

 

This film knows exactly what it is, each actor plays the right balance of in-joke and straight, the kills are fun, the CGI is good, and a tank mech fights a super shark! It’s so awesome, what more do you need in a movie?